I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town