If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Donāt mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You know itās a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you canāt pronounce the name.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
sigh
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with youš.
Couldnāt think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
āRaising a child is nothing like having a dog,ā I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
After being raised on Disney movies Iām very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Kids at this rave act like theyāve never seen a CPAP machine.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THATāS IT. IāM GOING HOME.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners