They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
bias laundering edition
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8