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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.