holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
For anyone who needs this today
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.