A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
New tinder profile pic
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Look at this
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”