My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.