“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
This is what makes twitter great
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.