The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore