If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
live, laugh, laundry.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??