“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?