Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Facebook memories be like
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.