Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
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Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family