Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Salad is the decaf of food.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[at the general store]
me: one general please
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.