Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
A flock of dads is called a grill.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!