Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.