“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON