It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
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[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?