Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”