I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
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Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
🙂🐾
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied