mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier