I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
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*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.