Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
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(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe