How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.