Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”