My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Did my cat write this
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I saw nothing
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
😂 amazing answer
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.