I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
So the ex texted me
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.