Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans