Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.