Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
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George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Well, that didn’t work.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.