[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
You Might Also Like
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Wake me when AI does housework
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.