UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
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absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
So sick of all these stupid rules
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.