Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
You Might Also Like
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
When can I start eating bats again.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One