In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho