UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
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Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I’d hang this in my house.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.