My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
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[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”