Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Whoa 😂
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved