[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
You Might Also Like
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.