Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
You Might Also Like
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
2022: I can fix it
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.