“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy