them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
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Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.