My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.