The police never think its as funny as you do.
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kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.