Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly thatβs like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, βmy friend is funner than youβ.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[cop sniffing me] youβre all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] Iβll try
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I donβt know what to do with this student
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that youβre looking at whatβs right next to you and be all like βwow these are some nice bacon bitsβ
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I canβt even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means theyβve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.