Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
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FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I鈥檓 so bruised.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
When you鈥檙e Godzilla every city is a walkable city
If you think the world revolves around you, you鈥檙e either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 馃檨
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
If my coworker doesn鈥檛 stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.