eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
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To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.