cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
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My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.