-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?