I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
You Might Also Like
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
sigh