Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
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Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1